In the spirit of W.'s most recent speech to the War College regarding his plan for Iraq, I've devised my own five-point scheme for fixing the unfixable. Only here we're talking about plumbing, and the odds are much greater that we'll succeed.

Do you have a running toilet? If so, not only are you wasting water, you're probably overworking your septic system. Having had a running toilet, I am tempted to suggest that you blow up your house and start over. But of course this is a costly remedy and the loss of family heirlooms and pets is too great a sacrifice for most. Instead, let's ask the expert, Lou Benson at True Value in New Paltz.

According to Lou, four things cause running toilets: A rotten discharge flapper (typically black, about three inches in diameter, located at the bottom of your tank). Cost: about $4. A worn-out filling mechanism. If you're still using a ball-and-arm unit, replace it with a one-piece fill valve for about $7. (Buy a new supply tube at the same time for about $6.) Your flush handle may be busted. It's a cheap, universal item, but remember this: it has a left-handed thread, so when you go to install it, turn it counter-intuitively. You might just have a kink in your chain, which means it has to be shortened. Lastly, if you're feeling flush, you can buy a complete toilet maintenance set for about $25, which contains all of the above listed parts and more.

While we're in your bathroom, how about that dripping faucet? This, according to Lou, can be a fairly complicated problem. Here are three things you can check and possibly fix without getting in too much trouble.

"Drip drip" usually means that your seat washer is shot. Turn the water off (the knobs are typically behind or at the base of your sink), remove the handle by popping the cap and loosening the standard screw, then lift out the valve apparatus. The seat is the small brass cone at its base. The seat washer is the black rubber ring just above it. If it looks frayed or cracked, it's gone.

If water is leaking from around the handle, your cap thread and/or packing needs to be replaced. And if you have water leaking from the base of your spout, you need a new o-ring. "A what?" you ask. Using the correct term will make it much easier for your hardware guy to identify and solve your problem. It's also important to be brand specific in your description. There are literally thousands of plumbing parts that do essentially the same thing and can only be indexed by brand name and model number.

If your sink is leaking from beneath, perhaps your trap (the u-shaped 1 1/4" pipe beneath it) is rotten. This is a common problem and an easy fix. Loosen the two nuts, take it to the hardware store, match it, and put on a new one. Just like that. You saved $75! Or maybe your pop up drain stopper no longer wants to pop up. Chances are your assembly rod is disconnected from the spring clip (directly behind and a little up from your trap). This stuff tends to wear out over time, especially if you have sulfur in your water. Try reconnecting it. It if doesn't work, you can buy a new assembly and easily install it yourself for about $15.

Maybe you'd like to have one of those nifty hand-held showerheads instead of a fixed one like your grandmother's. No problem. The fittings are universal. The trick is to take care in removing the old one. Use two wrenches to limit pressure to the head and not the arm (Not your own, Rumrum, the shower unit's!). A quality, mid-range set should cost about $35. Don't go cheap on this because it won't work. In addition, you'll need Teflon tape to wrap the threads. Twist the nut on the new unit by hand as far as you can. Then use a wrench and give it another half turn. See, the 21st century isn't so scary!

Now that you're married, your partner says what he'd really like is to take a bath, only the bathtub doesn't hold water. Here's a chance to show him just how clever you are. Your trip waste assembly is disconnected. It's a mystery to me why this happens (something like socks disappearing in the laundry...where do they go?), but it's easy to fix. Remove the two screws on the drain cap, lift out the old unit, and drop in a new one - all for about $12.

The most important thing you need to know about do-it-yourself household plumbing is when you're in over your head and need help. My friend Lance the Plumber says half the work he does involves fixing what others have tried to do for themselves. ("I love Home Depot!" he says.) The point is this: Even if God tells you to replace your own toilet, get a second opinion. And that's it. Have a nice July. See you next month.